Friday, February 12, 2010


First off, if this is Mrs. Guitarbrother, Happy Valentines Day! No need to read any further.

Porn. How many have you actually seen? If you're anything like me you could probably count them on both hands... if they're not busy. Of course, that's not including clips here and there (daily) with the sound turned down. I was actually thinking a while back about whether I've seen more porn clips with or without audio. I realized the answer would be silent, by a landslide. To watch porn now with the sound actually on might blow my mind. That's right, my mind.

If you're a fan of bizarre and offbeat cinema you more than likely have made your way into the porn section of your local alternative video store. Rumours of films so unhinged and removed from the mainstream perhaps lead you there or maybe utter despairing loneliness. Either way, there is a treasure trove in the XXX world of strange, strange films. These are some of the porns I actually sat down and watched like a would a non-porn film. This list is in no way comprehensive, I seldom rent pornos to view this way. The main problem being is that the sex scenes are usually so bloody long, and I'm one of those weirdo purists who believes that if you fast forward through even a minute of any film you can't honestly say you've seen it. So if there are any truly awesome films I've missed, please leave a comment with your recommendation since I'm always happy to explore good films in any genre. With or without kleenex.


I thought I'd start off with my favourite. When I was around 19 years old I read about this magnificent flick in either Cult Films volume one or two. I couldn't believe what this movie promised.

In the future, after a nuclear holocaust, there are now two groups of people. Sex Negatives, folks who get sick if they are even aroused too much, and Sex Positives, those who can still have sex. The Sex Positives are forced to perform lifeless sexual acts for the Sex Negatives to view passionlessly at a club called Cafe Flesh.

The director, Rinse Dream (Stephen Sayadian) has made a stylish, surrealistic, well paced (sex scenes too!) and visually interesting film regardless of it's XXX rating. And the story is intelligent and funny. In fact, many are pissed off that it bites the very hand that feeds it. This is a damning condemnation of porno and the folks who watch it. Back in my early 20s I worked for a short time at a rental store that specialized in adult entertainment and I recommended this film to one of the customers. When he returned it he simply said to me, "Don't recommend this to anyone else". I guess it has it's detractors.

I guess you should see this if you are a fan of weird cinema, but not if your thinking of spending a romantic night alone.


The most recent of my XXX viewings. This is a new film from Noboru Iguchi, the director of Machine Girl and Sukeban Boy. I've yet to see Sukeban Boy (to watch pile) but Machine Girl is one of my favourites of the new batch of Japanese gore films. I remember hearing that Machine Girl is littered with porn actresses and after seeing Hypertrophy Genitals Girl I looked into his back catalogue and see why. What a pornographer his guy is! If those porns are anything like this bizarro piece he could be one of the world's greatest dirty movie makers.

I bought Hypertrophy Genitals Girl (from the wonderful and wacky Eyesore Cinema) without subtitles but was assured that this would not hamper in any way my enjoyment of the film. Actually , the fact that there were no subtitles made the film possibly more entertaining since I had to imagine what the characters were saying, which in a movie with such fucked up scenarios, made the movie more surreal. Here's what I could make out:

A Japanese girl runs into friend while she seemingly has to pee very badly. They encounter a silver, penis headed alien that punches them in the gut and gives them enlarged genitalia by ejaculating laser beams from his head (sold yet?).

The "has to pee" girl discovers she now has an enormous penis and is immdiately attacked by street youths (one looking like a Japanese version of Lipps from Anvil) who, of course, want to play with her penis. Kids these days.

She makes her escape, only to pop a boner. She runs around a small town with her massive erection sticking out from her skirt and is eventually accosted by the townfolk who hold her and take pictures of her wang. In restraining her they use the "hold by the breasts" method that the street youths did. Is this a legit way of restraining people? She escapes again to hide and masturbate, so obviously she has "possessing a dick" mastered. Here we get the pleasure of seeing that along with growing a giant pecker she has also gained a bush the size of someone's front lawn. Yikes.

The other friend wakes up to discover she now has an enlarged vagina. The same group of punk kids attack her. I guess penis or vagina mean nothing to these dissatisfied youths. Do they just roam the park in search of engorged genitals? Later, a man in a white lab coat punches her in the gut (another traditional move along with the "breast grope"?) and she blacks out.

Big Dick discovers her boobs have now grown enormous as well. At least she seems delighted at this. She's discovered by a couple who tie her (and her dick) up to apparently keep as a sex slave. They have sex. For a long time. Here's where porno scenes pretty much take up the rest of the film.

Big Vag wakes up tied up to a chair and a sweaty doctor (?), who is fascinated with her newly engorged hoo-ha proceeds to fondle her (I'm sensing a running theme of sex here). He's interrupted by penishead alien, who puts him into a trance like state so that he might help penishead get it on with big vag, with his penis head not surprisingly. And vibrators... surprisingly. She squirts (I believe that's the medical term) all over the joint and both penishead and the doctor die painfully. Big vag realizes that this could very well be her superpower.

Big Vag finds Big Dick, worse for wear after being a sex slave, and carries her away. They find a romantic hideaway and (spoiler alert) get it on. It's like they were made (by a penisheaded alien) for each other. Fuck The Notebook.


Whoa. I read about this years ago in Shock Cinema and just had to see it. And unbelievably, it actually has a legitimate DVD release in North America. Made by Shaun Costello and starring Harry Reems, this is one messed up film. A Vietnam vet, who has many flashbacks, giving Costello the chance to show tons of war atrocity footage (in a porn!), follows women home to rape and/or kill them. This is what is termed as a "roughie", and boy is it ever. There are some films you feel like you need to shower immediately after seeing, but I suggest you watch this one from the shower. And you still won't be clean. Ever again.


Another Shock Cinema recommendation. Not quite as brutal as Forced Entry (not much is) but is still a surprisingly rough XXX film from sleazemeister Shaun Costello. This is known as the Taxi Driver of porn/enema films (is there a Sound of Music of porn/enema films?) and really does bring to mind Scorsese's classic. The always lovable Jamie Gillis plays a Travis Bickle type of character who stumbles upon a live enema show. It seems he found his calling. He goes back to his filthy, porn magazine decorated apartment to begin his new life as "The Enema Bandit". He breaks into women's homes, rapes them and gives them enemas. Fortunately, the sex scenes are reasonably short in this one. Gillis' narration where he obsesses about women who need to be cleaned up is both hilarious and unsettling. Both this and Forced Entry are very stylish and well told downbeat stories that fit well into the American seventies cinema canon.


I saw this no more than a year ago and barely remember a thing in it, but I do remember liking it. Abel Ferarra's debut feature, where he plays a role himself (with a stunt cock I've been told), this is a must see for fans of his early work. How many directors have a porno in their repertoire that you have to view in order to be a completist?


The Muppet Show with XXX scenes. It's been a while since I've seen this oddity, but I remember it seeming like a real product of it's time. Definitely worth seeking out.


Pure insanity. A black and white porno that takes place in a creepy old dark house with an insane resident who takes in guests on a dark and stormy night. It gets very bizarre as the hostess' performance goes balls out crazy, the set pieces become more surreal and a gorilla makes it's way into the plot. Considered more of an arthouse item than a porno, this is an all time classic. I would recommend this to anyone seeking a strange porn, but for those wary of watching gay goings ons, there is one scene of man on man action. Highly, highly recommended.


Rinse Dream takes his stylized dialogue from Cafe Flesh even further. He experiments with editing, performances and images, but it's not near as transgressive as Cafe Flesh. I like this one a lot, it plays a lot more like an experimental film than a linear movie.


It's been ages since I've seen this one, but I distinctly remember the beginning and ending, which I thought were pure genius. Opening a porn film with a suicide was something that was rarely seen but the ending with Miss Jones trapped in hell with the director in a cameo is truly something to behold. I wouldn't want to spoil it, but it really is wonderfully bizarre. I should probably get around to re-watching this one day, I remember it being very stylish as well.


Another film I saw so long ago I barely remember anything about it, though I do remember it was much funnier than I thought it was going to be. I don't know if I'll ever revisit this one, but I will probably watch one or two of the many documentaries on the film.


The mother of all pornos. Such an unbelievable turkey that it really must be seen to be believed. One of the main problems is the editing, which is credited to "the production". No pacing whatsoever, it seems they use more outtakes than real performances (and it has been suggested that they do on the amazing 3 DVD must have set). Watch the scene where Caligula carries his sister up the stairs. It's done in a wide shot, and stays there, never cutting away as Malcolm McDowell seems to overact along with grunt and struggle to get the actress up the stairs.

This is one of the craziest films ever made. A star studded movie that the producer Bob Guccione (Penthouse magazine publisher) added hardcore scenes to after it was shot. That helped catapult it to the status it has today, but even without those scenes, this is possibly the biggest train wreck put to film. Extravagant sets that were too big to capture on film, director and producer disagreements and actors that knew they were in a spiraling out of control plane crash of a flick. If you don't own the 3 disc special edition and have any interest in the film at all, you need to get it. It covers almost everything you could ever want to know about this amazing failure. A must see.


Another film I heard about from Shock Cinema, this is a great porn parody of the original classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Along with my buddy Timbo, I rented this film and we sat down to enjoy this little gem. Only problem, the sex scenes are super long in this one. Sitting next to your buddy on the couch as an actress yells in a deep, guttural voice, "Fuck my ass" for the 40th time, gets a little uncomfortable. But the non-sex scenes are priceless, as the cast and crew put their hearts into everything about the film. It's obvious someone involved in this film really loves The Texas Chainsaw Massacre very much. I haven't really seen any other porn parodies, but I can't imagine any being much more sincere than this.


The only horror/porn hybrid I've watched to date. Since it attempts to be a horror film, the pacing is severely flawed due to it having to pause all the time so people can have sex for generous gaps. Sure they pile on the gore, but the filmmakers needed to figure out a way so that the sex and horror worked together rather than having both elements seemingly fight each other.

Well, there you have it, for now at least. As I wrote earlier, if there are any that are absolute must sees let me know. Unlike other genre films, there are few magazines or reference books that point the way to interesting and strange XXX works. Now back to watching 5 minute clips with the sound off!


  1. Another great list that cracked me up several times. Thanks!

  2. Wonderful memories of dildos from Texas.

    I was going to add Dirtbags but I don't remember if either of us finished it after the crushing disappointment that it didn't live up to it's amazing title. Darn.

  3. Awesome list, and entertaining reviews. I'll have to check out Hypertrophy Genitals Girl, Forced Entry, and Waterpower. Also Deep Throat, since it's such a classic.